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Where to Start?

So, I doubt if anyone will read this but that’s okay, its not about anyone else, its about me trying to find a way to get all that inane bullshit out of my head, how to turn negatives into positives, and maybe, just maybe it’ll help someone else.

I was brought up in a completely negative household and, as a result have a completely negative outlook on life. I’ve noticed lately that as soon as I see something, I instantly try to find the negative in it. What’s wrong with it? Who’s wrong with it? What will go wrong etc etc. I’m hoping that through various things I’m trying now, including this blog it will help me turn my mind into something more worthwhile while I still have a bit of life left.

I’ve lost so many people over the past 2 years, my Father, his partner, an Aunt and two cousins. In the past 6 years you can add 2 more Uncles and an another cousin to that. None of that has helped. My Mother is still alive, although her entire world revolves around my sister, half sister. Since the day my sister entered this world, I’ve never been high on my Mother’s agenda, I should be used to it, but truth is I’m not. Its just another negative in my world
Before I go on I should make some things clear, just to cover myself from any comments I may get.

Firstly this is MY world. If you don’t like what I write, jog on, simple as that. Yes I swear (A lot sometimes) I get angry and I get frustrated.

Do not ask me to indentify myself, you have my first name, you’re getting nothing else. My spelling is crap too lol If you think I’m that girl you met in a nightclub recently…..I may well be……then again, I might not.

People in my world will only be given first initials, not even that if I can help it. Husband, daughter, dog, Mother, Father, etc will be the norm.

My brain and mind is a complete disaster. I hear voices A LOT. Always droning on about how shit I am at things. How ‘useless you are like ya Mother’ thanks for that one Dad. 😉
I self harm. I don’t condone anyone to do it, but, I do it. Its my body and if I want too, I bloody well will. End of.
I have a looooooooong history of depression and anxiety, probably goes a loooooooong way to explaining why I am, what I am.
I have a sick and twisted sense of humour. I will find amusement in most things, its my way of coping. Even when I was in hospital dying I was joking about it, its just me.

So all that covered right now lets make a post. OH PS I haven’t got a bloody clue what I’m doing here, or how I’m doing it. I guess I’ll pick it up as I go along.


And so it goes on….

We’re not even in the end of January and I’ve had enough already. My car is going in for repair AGAIN tomorrow. That will cost me £500 because some fuck wit hit in Next car park and didn’t leave me any details. I hope his car is as fucked as mine is. Arsewipe. That’s after £400 to repair it at the end of last year, yes that was my fault but still…

New cooker purchased in October? Grill won’t stay lit. Man came to fix it yesterday. Still doesn’t work.

Tv? Purchased in June. Had to have a new one in October due to a pixel being constantly blue. Now it has a white line down the screen, and is tempremental in going on and off.

I AM SO PISSED OFF!!!!

Husband due to his undiagnosed Aspergers just ignores my rantings. “Does it not piss you off?” I yell at him. “What’s the point” he replies. The point is it never EVER fucking ends!! Don’t sweat the small stuff people say, easy to say when the small stuff stops being stuff, but when the stuff keeps going wrong, not working then going wrong again…..
I have no friends I can go and whinge too, no literally I don’t. I have one friend and she lives 150miles away, and we barely speak now. So that leaves me a Mother who’s far too wrapped up in my sister, and a daughter whos too wrapped up in job, and has Aspergers as well so she’s in the same vein as husband. FUUUUUUUCCKK!
I’m never buying anything ever again.

Trying Something New

So I’ve decided to give CBD Oil a go. I’ve read great things about it, how its good for pain, both physical and mental, but also how it just generally makes you feel better about yourself. I haven’t read anything bad about it yet.

I have felt better the past couple of days, but I know its only temporary. I’m hoping the CBD will help me sleep, stop me feeling so anxious and may even stop the voices in my head which drive me to distraction. I’m trying not to get my hopes up but…….

I know I only have a very low dose at the moment, you have to build it up, that’s ok. My only complain is the cost of the damn stuff, its soooo expensive. But in my eyes you can’t put a price on sanity. So as from tonight I’m on it. Its the nearest I’ve come to doing any drugs that’s for sure.
Watch this space.

Everyday Is a Battle

After two nights of no sleep, I slept last night for 10hours, I didn’t even hear the dog get on the bed this morning. You would think that sleeping for that long would make someone feel better. It doesn’t.

I am fed up, of being fed up. Sick of feeling like I have a fucking great big black cloud hanging over my head. Sick of forcing myself to get out of bed. Forcing myself to walk the dog, and do whatever I should be doing. The voice in my head tells me I’m lazy and bone idle (another one from Dad) but I know its not that, its not that simple.

When you have depression you feel it, I mean REALLY FEEL IT. I can go from hero to zero in an hour and I’m stuck with it for days, sometimes weeks. My mood crashed about 6 days ago and I am yet to feel it lift. I just want to sit and do nothing, go no where and speak to no one, even though I know that doesn’t help.
Today I have forced myself to walk the dog and have sorted my kitchen cupboards, and have lots of shit to take the charity shop, but then its having the energy to take it to the charity shop. Its one battle after another, and it never bloody ends.

I don’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t feel this way. I guess when I was a kid and life was good and simple, but even then I would get frustrated, I would bite myself so hard in pure anger. Its only recently I realised that is now classed as a form of self harm. I first remember doing that when I was around 6 years old. Shocking really if you think about it. But the anger and frustration inside me was more than I could bare. It was almost as if my body took whatever emotion I was feeling and put it into overdrive. That is still the case.

Before my hysterectomy it was the same, worse. I remember standing behind someone with a knife in my hand and wondering what would happen if I plunged it into their back. Would I kill them? Would I get away with it? Of course I didn’t do it, but that’s the sort of bullshit that fills my head. The sort of darkness I live with every single damn day. Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off dead. Would I be at peace? Its a good job we don’t know what lies on the other side because I know if I was guaranteed peace, I wouldn’t hesitate in taking it.

After I had my daughter the depression really took a hold of me. I couldn’t fight it anymore and everyone saw me for what I really was. A miserable, negative, sadistic, sad old bitch. I drank A LOT. I even smoked for a while. Had I been able to get hold of drugs, I would have done them too, the fact I had a small person relying on me was irrelevant. People I turned too for help ignored me.
My Father never knew. He was from the ‘pull yourself together’ era
My Mother wasn’t interested. She was dealing with my sister (as bloody always) she even told a friend that I was ‘putting it on’ and that ‘she doesn’t need therapy’
My husband tried to support me, he stood by me but he has no concept of empathy, no concept of what to do and when. Often I would cry and he would just stare at me or, completely ignore me.
My daughter was too young to understand, and friends? I had none, I still don’t.
That isn’t me sounding pathetic, I genuinely don’t have any friends, none that I see anyway. I had two, but now I only have one and she’s over 150miles away.
The rest of my family are scattered right across the world. So I was then, and still am alone. Totally and utterly alone with my head and what’s inside it. Stuck inside my own living hell, and now? Now I’m too far gone to get out and fight it. Not only do I now have depression, I have anxiety with it too.
Unable to face the outside world alone. Scared to face strangers in the street, convinced they are laughing at me and taking the piss out of me. And if for some reason someone laughs, and I have the slightest inkling its aimed at me, I will run and won’t stop until I’m safe in my house again.

Its a battle to get up. A battle to go out. A battle to live, and a battle to stay alive. And I fucking hate it!

Issues

So my current issues? Medically I’m a mess before you start with any mental health issues.

My back hurts 90% of the time. My family on my Fathers side has a long history of back problems. Dad was never out of pain, his back and how it affected him also affected my entire childhood. Dads idea of playing a game with me, was to get me to sit on his feet so he could do sit ups. We had 2 holidays throughout 11 years because his back was bad he couldn’t sit in a car for too long. And it goes on and on. Several years ago I popped a disc in my back and its never been the same since. Unlike my father I live with it. I try not to let it stop me doing anything, doesn’t stop me getting fed up with it at times.

My knees are shot to shit. I’ve never had them x rayed, jesus I can’t even get a doctors appointment much less anything else. There isn’t anything they can do anyway, its all a cartlidge issue. They bump and grind like old cogs when I go down the stairs. I have my own little orchestra going on in there.

Three years ago I had to have a full Hysterectomy, that has obviously put me into menopause. I was not prepared for what menopause actually entails, I naively thought a few hot flushes and that would be it. Hahahah wrong!
Sleep? What’s that? 3 hours is a good night for me. I’ve never been the greatest sleeper but now? Some nights I don’t sleep at all.
Hot flushes? yes, not so bad this time of year but in the summer they are a killer. And no one warned me about the nausea, ugh! From mid day onwards I will have a sudden wave of nausea wash over me. I feel like I don’t know where to put myself, where to go or what to do. It will last a few minutes, then disappear. As that disappears the heat washes over me. The sweating is disgusting.
I can’t have HRT as I have Thrombophilia, google it, I can’t be arsed to explain.
Itching? My next to little finger on my right hand is currently swollen, covered in tiny little bumps and itches like its on fire! That itching can travel right up my arm. Nice.
Some times I get all over itching. Like my skin is alive with long clawed rats.
Mood swings? My menstrual cycle used to make me moody, but it followed a pattern, now its just random. After Christmas I felt so positive, upbeat and looking forward to being a better person. Then four days ago I literally felt like someone had switched me off. In less than an hour I felt my positivity drain away, my mood plummet and the voices in my head go into over drive. The world is shit. I hate myself. I’m ugly. I’m fed up and sick of being alive. Guilt then eats me up because the people I love are dead and I should be grateful that I’m actually still here. That makes me feel like shit, and so it starts again.

I’m overweight, VERY overweight. All I want to do some days it just eat everything in sight. If the dog stands still for too long I worry about him, all that fur in my teeth is the only thing that puts me off (told about my sick humour right?) How can I loose weight when food is the only pleasure I have in life?
I don’t drink alcohol anymore. I was getting out of control with it, and knew I had to stop. Its not easy as getting drunk was the only thing that gave me true silence in my head, so the voices take full advantage of that. I’ve never smoked. So in the words of Adam Ant “You don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do?” I eat.

This is all without any mental health issues I have going on. What a bloody mess.