So you want a puppy? A cute bundle of fluff to change your life, something that will love you unconditionally, be there to greet you when you come home, and give you endless cuddles and joy right? Wrong, at least at the start.
There are a million places where you can get information, help, tips to help you navigate the first few weeks of living with a puppy, but I have yet to find one that is brutally honest about the reality.
You go on Tik Tok and see Miss Blonde with her puppy who slept through the night for 12 hours in his crate, with no accidents and is such a good boy? That’s not true, a puppy can’t physically do that.
You see a lovely fluffy puppy when your out and about ‘oh I so want one’ you say, seeing what a bundle of joy they are. What your not seeing is what is going on at home.
You see the cute puppy on tv, playing and doing silly things which make you laugh. That moment of making you laugh will take up just five minutes of your day, your not seeing the other 1435minutes of that day.
This is where this blog comes in.
I can’t work out how to change the order of posts, so if you want to start from the beginning, after this post scroll to the bottom and work your way back up.
I’m not a cold hard bitch who hates puppies, this is also not my first rodeo with a puppy, this is actually my third puppy so I have experience, and things have changed A LOT over the 30 years of me having puppies. But I am sick to death of seeing all this fake bullshit (yes there will be swearing) on social media leading people into a huge false sense of security. They see the cuteness, the see the fluffiness, they get one, and within two days or even less, they regret it, and cue an abandoned dog, or worse a dog that is beaten to within an inch of its life, or its sold on to a puppy farm to live a life of misery. Having a puppy is brutal, painful, there will be literal blood, sweat and tears, and that’s from you, not the puppy, that will last around 5 years so, if your not prepared for that, then just don’t bother, but yet again I’ve been lulled in (more about that as we go on) and am in the middle of the blood sweat and tears phase. If me writing this and being honest in a way that no one else seems too, and it saves the life and sanity of a human and or a puppy, this will be worth it. And even if no one reads it, it makes me feel better. So buckle up, its a wild painful ride.
Homecoming
Lets do this entry a little differently, I want you to imagine you are the puppy.
Your now 8 weeks old and love your life. You live with your Mum and all your brothers and sisters, you can play all the time when your awake, you get fed by your loving breeder and when your tired you can snuggle up with your siblings and snooze until you wake up and repeat the process. If you want to poo or pee, you just do it, you know Mum or your breeder will clear it up. You have toys, and a warm safe blanket. Sometimes if the weather is nice you can play in a section of the garden with your brothers and sisters, you know your Mum is there to keep you safe and from any harm, she often tells off your big brother when he plays too rough and bites your tail a little too hard.
The past few weeks there have been some random people coming and going, they’ve picked up your siblings and made funny noises around them, then they’ve put them down and disappeared. One time, two people appeared and picked you up, they cuddled you and made funny noises around you, you wriggled so they put you back down with your siblings and you went off to play and forgot about it. Now those people are back, and they have some other people with them, smaller people.
The two people that came before talk to your breeder, you hear them say “this is Tilly she’s 6” spoken by the grown lady who also says “this is Timmy, he’s 8” Both Tilly and Timmy are squealing with excitement it hurts your ears a bit so you run to your Mum and try to hide under her legs. Then you hear your breeder speak “come on young man, time to go home” What is she talking about? Home? This is home, Mum’s here, don’t pick me up I want to stay. You look back at your Mum not knowing its the last time you will ever see her, and you are put into the big thick arms of the grown man. Tilly and Timmy are grabbing at you and squealing “I want to hold him” “NO! I want to hold him”
Calm down says the man. His hands are so big you can sit in one of his hands quite easily. The grown lady is talking to your breeder before she takes you from the grown man “Say goodbye” she says as you see your breeder waving.
What the hell is going on?!
You get a brief gasp of fresh air before you are put into a seat of some sort, on the grown lady’s lap
“Now sit there and be a good boy” she says holding you close to her. You struggle to get away, you want your Mum and your brothers and sisters, you don’t care if your brother bites your tail, you don’t want to be with these people, they smell strange, they sound strange and the two smaller people are still squealing and fighting in the seat behind you and the lady. The man gets into the seat beside you and suddenly the metal box shudders, making a noise and comes to life, then your moving, the lady is still holding you but the movement is strange, you have no idea what this is, what is happening and you wish those two small people would shut up, their squealing is really hurting your ears.
You start to whine “I want to go home. I want my Mum” you cry, but they don’t understand “Shhhhhh its okay” says the lady stroking your ears “it’ll all be okay”
The car seems to settle into a steady humming noise, you bury your head into the blanket and lap of the lady and you feel a little sleepy, then you suddenly feel movement to one side, then the other, you don’t feel so good so start to pant to relieve the discomfort
“Look Mummy he’s smiling” says Tilly
“No he’s not, stupid” snaps Timmy “he’s hot that’s all” You can feel the anger coming from Timmy, he’s annoyed and you don’t know why. Then you sense Tilly getting upset
“Mum I’m not stupid am I? I’m not” Tilly starts to cry.
You lurch again from one side to the other, no matter how hard and how tight the lady holds you, this movement isn’t good. Perhaps it’ll go away, they’ll take you back to your Mum and it’ll stop, but it doesn’t, and you start to retch.
“He’s going to barf!” shouts Timmy laughing
You retch more
“Oh stop it, he’s car sick” says Tilly
You continue to retch as the shouting continues
“Will you two calm down!” Snaps the lady before she turns back to you “Its okay little man, its alright”
Its no good, you can feel your dinner coming back….”
“NOT ON MY LEATHER UPHOLSTERY!” bellows the man beside you, its terrifying, he’s so big and so angry, but its too late, your dinner returns, and yes its down his leather upholstery
“Ewwwww that’s disgusting” shouts Timmy laughing loudly
Tilly starts to cry “Oh he’s sick, Mummy make him better please” she whines.
You don’t know how long this goes on for, you eventually doze off briefly hoping that when you wake up you’ll be back with your Mum, but no.
“Here we go Monty” says the lady “we’re home”
The man is still grumbling about his upholstery, whatever that is, and Tilly and Timmy are still fighting and squealing.
The lady puts you down in a strange room. Its so different to where you’ve been before, is your Mum here? she doesn’t appear to be, your all alone, you pee with nerves
“Oh for gods sake!!” snaps the man making you tremble
“Don’t tell him off Daddy he’s only a baby” Tilly gets on the floor with you “Its alright Monty” she strokes you gently, but now you feel another urge coming on, oh no…
“Go away” Timmy says pushing Tilly away “Its my turn to stroke him” Timmy gets down where he pushed Tilly from, he grabs at your face “Oh look at you all squishy and soft, I’ll soon you turn you into a big strong handsome dog” Timmy fake growls at you. The lady is running around with paper, while the man is still complaining. That urge is getting stronger, you can’t hold it any longer
“NOT IN HERE” Mum shouts as your bum instinctively moves into a squat position
Timmy is laughing again “hahahahaha ewwwww thats gross” he says holding his nose.
Once your done you move to a corner, you huddle there while the man disappears, the lady is still running around with paper and Tilly and Timmy are shoving random things in your face, and they are still squealing and fighting.
That is how your puppy will encounter homecoming.
You have to remember that for all their faults, accidents, biting, chewing, running, trembling, they have known NOTHING about the outside world, and NOTHING about your world. Imagine being 5 years old and having a random person come and grab you and expect you to live with him, its kidnapping right? but that is exactly what you are doing to your puppy. In his world, you are kidnapping him from his family. You are taking him from the only thing he’s ever known and no matter how much you soothe, stroke, keep calm he will be scared, he has no idea what’s going to happen next. He has no idea what’s right and wrong and he certainly has no idea how to behave in this strange house.
You’ve been home an hour. Your dog has already been sick, peed and pooed on the floor while you run around clearing it up. The kids are constantly fighting and shouting, and your husband has gone to get the car cleaned. You need to get dinner on, you’ve all still got to eat but the puppy is in the corner cowering from the children, your exhausted already.
Your puppy is going to grow into a big, heavy, strong Golden Retriever who will live for approx 10years, some live longer (mine did) this is just the first hour, you’ve got at least another 10 years to go yet.
The Preparation
So you’ve picked your puppy and you know when your going to bring him (Or her, but I will use him) home so you start to prepare.
You buy a lovely soft squishy bed for them to sleep in. Lots of toys, chew toys, tuggy toys, a blanket to snuggle into. You’ve been told that puppy should have a crate, so you spend a small fortune on that. You buy puppy pads to prevent accidents, you buy the food the breeder has him on, along with training treats. You buy a lead, harness and collar, and the ever important poop bags. With the exception of that last thing, its ALL a waste of time and money.
The soft squishy bed will be torn/dug/humped to shreds within the first few hours, along with the blanket.
The toys? Destroyed, gone.
Food? You discover that he’s having problems with it, so you are left with approx 15kg of puppy food you can’t use.
Puppy pads for the accidents? Like the blanket, torn, shredded, dragged around the house within an hour.
Lead? okay thats fine, collar and harness? both will last approx a month before you have to size up. Puppies grow faster than kids.
The crate? This is probably where I get controversial because I don’t believe in them. 30 years ago when I had my first pup they didn’t exist and we did just fine (almost) with her. When my next puppy came along 15 years ago we spent nearly £100 on one, and he hated it, and I mean HATED IT. He literally screamed the house down like he was being murdered. I left him for half an hour in it, I came home to his water tipped over, shit, literal shit everywhere, including over his bed and himself. He looked like a poster pup for the RSPCA who’d been abandoned for years. The bed had to be thrown away, and after a bath he was so upset he spent the rest of the day trembling just by seeing it. I folded it up, put it away and it was never used again. So, I will not, EVER use a crate, I still have that image of my baby boy scared, and trembling in the corner of a crate covered in his own shit. That’s an image I’m going to have forever. Crates? ban them, don’t be fucking lazy.
Back to the preparation. If you haven’t got children, oh dear you really are in for a shock. If you have had a toddler around the house, remember those days where you couldn’t turn your back for a few moments? Yes, awful wasn’t it, now add night times into that, so you can’t sleep properly because you don’t know what their going to get into. And unlike a toddler it’ll take about 5 years for them to behave long enough for you to be able to sleep. Unless you prepare and I mean PREPARE! This is not toddler preparing, this is puppy preparing and its like preparing for an unknown war.
Anything, and I do literally mean ANY. THING. you don’t want destroyed, get it off the ground or put it away in a locked cupboard. Wires, carpet edges, cuddly toys, sentimental ornaments, cupboard doors, fridge door, door ways, skirting boards, all furniture, mats, the tv, the dvd player if you still have one, a PlayStation, or x box, chargers, plugs, everything is far game and a puppy will play you like a fiddle. It all has to be hidden, put away, tied down or removed. I’ve just spent the entire day rearranging and entire room just to ensure one of my collectable bears is out of reach. I know however he’ll find something else to destroy.
Are you houseproud? you have a lovely clean carpet with pristine shiny laminate in your kitchen. Enjoy it, it won’t last. No matter how much you clean and scrub, puppy wee stains, there’s no getting around it. Within the first month of puppy being home your carpet will have more shades of dog wee and poop than you ever thought possible.
Nice clean kitchen cupboards, wiped down daily. You’ll wipe them down, for them to be covered in nose prints and slobber, for when puppy has had a drink and then shaken it all up the cupboard. You’ll be able to write your name in it by the end of the 2nd day.
The cooker? gas or electric? lovely, the knobs on the front are ideal for chewing. My first pup actually gassed herself twice by turning the dial and turning the gas on.
Then you may be lucky enough to have a garden.
Grass? that’ll be gone within a year I assure you. If you have a lawn that resembles Wimbledon, kiss it goodbye because no matter what you do, you’ve signed its death warrant.
Flowers? This is serious, some flowers are extremely toxic to dogs, so please, PLEASE check them out and get rid of them before puppy comes home. Otherwise, all is good for digging, eating, pulling, etc etc. Gravel? keep an eye on it, puppy will eat it. I know a dog who had to have an operation to remove a heap of gravel stones from its stomach. They will eat them.
Slugs and snails? they carry a worm called Lungworm. If your pup is not protected from this and ingests a slug or snail, they will die I assure you, and you can’t put slug pellets down because they will make the dog ill too. So that’s something else along with the million other things you have to watch at all times.
So you’ve locked up everything, tied down everything, concreted the garden and haven’t slept for excitement, that’s great, because when puppy comes home, you’ll forget what sleep was. Toddlers sleep for about 4 hours or so, puppies don’t, at most they manage 2, maybe 3 if your lucky. But its too late now, puppy is coming home, but your all ready so it’ll be fine.
That’s what you think.
The Truth about Puppies 