So my current issues? Medically I’m a mess before you start with any mental health issues.

My back hurts 90% of the time. My family on my Fathers side has a long history of back problems. Dad was never out of pain, his back and how it affected him also affected my entire childhood. Dads idea of playing a game with me, was to get me to sit on his feet so he could do sit ups. We had 2 holidays throughout 11 years because his back was bad he couldn’t sit in a car for too long. And it goes on and on. Several years ago I popped a disc in my back and its never been the same since. Unlike my father I live with it. I try not to let it stop me doing anything, doesn’t stop me getting fed up with it at times.

My knees are shot to shit. I’ve never had them x rayed, jesus I can’t even get a doctors appointment much less anything else. There isn’t anything they can do anyway, its all a cartlidge issue. They bump and grind like old cogs when I go down the stairs. I have my own little orchestra going on in there.

Three years ago I had to have a full Hysterectomy, that has obviously put me into menopause. I was not prepared for what menopause actually entails, I naively thought a few hot flushes and that would be it. Hahahah wrong!
Sleep? What’s that? 3 hours is a good night for me. I’ve never been the greatest sleeper but now? Some nights I don’t sleep at all.
Hot flushes? yes, not so bad this time of year but in the summer they are a killer. And no one warned me about the nausea, ugh! From mid day onwards I will have a sudden wave of nausea wash over me. I feel like I don’t know where to put myself, where to go or what to do. It will last a few minutes, then disappear. As that disappears the heat washes over me. The sweating is disgusting.
I can’t have HRT as I have Thrombophilia, google it, I can’t be arsed to explain.
Itching? My next to little finger on my right hand is currently swollen, covered in tiny little bumps and itches like its on fire! That itching can travel right up my arm. Nice.
Some times I get all over itching. Like my skin is alive with long clawed rats.
Mood swings? My menstrual cycle used to make me moody, but it followed a pattern, now its just random. After Christmas I felt so positive, upbeat and looking forward to being a better person. Then four days ago I literally felt like someone had switched me off. In less than an hour I felt my positivity drain away, my mood plummet and the voices in my head go into over drive. The world is shit. I hate myself. I’m ugly. I’m fed up and sick of being alive. Guilt then eats me up because the people I love are dead and I should be grateful that I’m actually still here. That makes me feel like shit, and so it starts again.

I’m overweight, VERY overweight. All I want to do some days it just eat everything in sight. If the dog stands still for too long I worry about him, all that fur in my teeth is the only thing that puts me off (told about my sick humour right?) How can I loose weight when food is the only pleasure I have in life?
I don’t drink alcohol anymore. I was getting out of control with it, and knew I had to stop. Its not easy as getting drunk was the only thing that gave me true silence in my head, so the voices take full advantage of that. I’ve never smoked. So in the words of Adam Ant “You don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do?” I eat.

This is all without any mental health issues I have going on. What a bloody mess.

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